I have been isolating myself now for a very long time .. but these last couple years it’s been really bad and I don’t know how to stop. I avoid talking/texting/messaging/seeing/acknowledging, almost everyone, sometimes for months at a time, sometimes more. I just push everyone away. I feel like I’m afraid of rejection and/or judgement and not worthy of anything ‘good’. I do not leave my apartment unless it’s to go outside for a joint or a drs appointment. My groceries and medications are delivered to me.
I have lost any desire to do the things I used to enjoy. I often feel empty, sometimes hopeless and that I will never be enough. I feel like people can see my guilt, shame and pain just from looking at me. Like they can stare right into my soul. I am very very hyper vigilant, worse than a cat. 🙁 I’ve intrusive thoughts almost daily, anxiety and serious abandonment issues.
When I go out in public, I’m very dizzy, get the sweats and fear I’ll have a real panic attack, because my breathing becomes so shallow and I can’t breathe. Panic attacks, in my experience, literally feels like you’re having a heart attack and desperately better call an ambulance. I cannot and will not go into a store .. I am not ever experiencing that again. I’ve obsessive avoidance of potential threats and/or triggers, at least that’s what I think it is.
However, weed and edibles calm me down and numb me, so much in fact that I can sometimes make myself actually have a conversation with someone other than my cat, go outside, or even clean something. I’m more apt to read, or do another activity. But still no public places. I cannot risk having to interact with someone.