It’ll be 5 years March 9th that I’ve been clean from hard drugs and booze. I remember it clearly because it’s a day before my oldest sons birthday. I used to drink rum straight from the bottle and get black out drunk, I didn’t pass out though. The next day I’d always wake up to a story of what happened. I’ve come home with black eyes, been in car accidents and sometimes turned violent during these black out episodes. All without remembering a damn thing. I am so lucky to be alive. I’ll post some of those stories eventually.
Waking up in jail was very scary, as I had no idea why I was there, absolutely no recollection. Before I go any further, I want to remind you that this is my new outlet, potentially a new coping mechanism (I’m hoping) and I may at times get really in depth … Just sayin’.
This is a lot harder to write about than I’d thought it’d be.
I was so desperate to become numb and not feel, I turned to drugs as well. I will not tell you my drug of choice, but know that I would take anything I could get so I could get fucked up. But, eventually, all the drugs and booze weren’t enough, I needed something more. I was miserable and desperate, so went to a friends place that I knew shoots up, held out my arms and said have at er. Always said I’d never shoot up or snort anything, but it’s all I really did – with that bottle of booze in hand.
I hated myself. Felt so much shame and guilt, I still do. Hopelessness of never feeling free from my childhood trauma. I really want to share what’s left me so broken, but I just can’t.