So after a car accident nearly 9 years ago, I was diagnosed with CPTSD and Schizo affective disorder. Was already diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ADHD, years before, and at one point was misdiagnosed with BPD. I’m on several different medications and although they seem to be helping me, I’ve still symptoms and issues.
I isolate myself. I have everything delivered to me, groceries, meds etc so I don’t have to go out in public and worry about having to interact with anyone. I avoid texts, Facebook messages and phone calls. I don’t know what I’m afraid of but my anxiety is very very bad when it comes to actually talking to someone. I do talk to my kids or mother, but not often it seems and it’s still very hard for me. 🙁 I really don’t know what to say for it to make any sense. Maybe it just makes me feel safer? From what, I don’t know.
I hate myself. Some days I talk very negatively to myself, I carry around a lot of pain, shame, anger and guilt.
I have nightmares regularly and flashbacks come and go. They’re vivid and real life and I cannot escape them. I occasionally have hallucinations and or delusions, and sometimes think I’m a bit crazy. :/ I’m hyper vigilant, just like a cat. Always assume I’m being talked about, made fun of or being put down somehow. I feel like people can see the ugliness inside me, just from looking at me. Compliments make me uncomfortable and I assume people are just being nice because I know nothing about me is complimentary worthy. I don’t believe I’m worth loving and have been alone nearly 9 years.
I am terrified of the shower now. Explain that one, please. 🙁 I sometimes go as long as 5 days without a shower because I’m afraid of suffocating due to the anxiety I get. The struggle is real! Yes, I know I’m a weird one.